Excerpts from “Till Cheating Do Us Part”

 

Self discipline and self control are easier to conceptualize than they are to put in practice. They are wonderful attributes to have but the virtue of being selfless often takes a back seat to self gratification. Most humans tend to want to be gratified before they can think of satisfying others. Human beings are naturally selfish and self centered. Someone once said we all co-chair the – “what’s in it for me company”. It is okay to self love and self preserve first; otherwise you could not really effectively love and serve others.

 

Self control, self discipline and self restraint are wonderful qualities, but time and time again, we find that being too controlled to the point of anal retentiveness can lead to other anomalies of social, physical and emotional proportions.  Human beings must necessarily have accessible outlets to free excess pent up emotion before it becomes harmful.  There are many positive forms of outlets; crying, screaming, exercising, relaxation techniques, movies, dancing, sex etc.  One has to find out what works best for one

 

It is not so easy to be considerate of other people’s feelings when life disappoints one.  Acceptance of a partner’s shortcomings is a personal and magnanimous gesture.  Everyone steps out of line some time because there are no perfect living human beings.  Our sense of ethics is usually dependent on what we have at stake and its level of importance to our goals in life. Marriage requires hope and endurance, hope for change and wonderful things leads to the endurance of pain and human frailties.

It takes a high level of commitment and maturity to a marriage/union for one to make a conscious decision to stay faithful. It takes a high level of self control to realize that you cannot have every delectable and tempting desert you see. You have to know that some things are not just good for you and not everything that is good for you is for you, either. You have to understand that no matter how much you eat today, you will be hungry tomorrow; you will never have enough.  There will always be beautiful people available everywhere, how many will you have? If you consciously enter into a matrimonial vow, you must respect it as much as you expect your partner to respect his or hers.

Many people in committed relationships do not cheat for fear of getting caught. In other words, they may have come close to, considered or thought of cheating but did not.  The reality is that not all men or women have mastered the art of self discipline to the point of faithfulness to one person. Although many subscribe to the institution of marriage and all its merits; sexual exclusivity is not realistic for all.  This is why my book “Till Cheating Do Us Part” addresses some of the reasons around this point.

One must do a thorough homework before embarking on a marital journey.  “For better for worse” is a vow, not just a rhyme to recite mindlessly.  Be informed about the “for worse” part of the union and be sure you can handle it before committing.  You are promising to forsake all others, can you?  You promise to love and to hold till death do you part, will you when he or she becomes a lying cheating murderous lout?

 A lot of people say “I will kill you, if you do that (referring to a busted cheating spouse), to me”.  Many do carry out these threats; but that is contrary to their marital vows.  Some couples retaliate by going out and committing their own adultery, to even the score.  All these reactions are stupid and juvenile because you must not let others drag you down to where you did not plan to go.  It is onerous on each of us to understand our partners; before we commit to be with them forever.  Review the checklist in “Till Cheating Do Us Part”.

When you understand the personalities you deal with; you will know what to expect and how to adjust your hopes and dreams.  Many cheat because they lack emotional support, physical fulfillment, seek the thrill of being on the edge, are sexually insatiable, lack love, in competition or jealous of the success of spouse, feel left in the shadow and unimportant, feel a sense of entitlement as a particular gender, are under the influence, secretly want to be bad, as in cool; or they simply feel they are above the restrictive rules of a committed relationship.

There are many varieties of marriages and relationships where both parties understand and agree to cheat openly or discreetly.  Some marriages are really disguised business arrangements under the cloak of marriage. Basically, marriages are between the involved individuals and outsiders should all mind their own businesses, because nobody knows the secret pacts people make.  For those that did not do their homework before committing and those that innocently got caught up in the whirlwind of romance and broken trust, welcome to life, as you live and learn.

As difficult and heartbreaking as infidelity may be, the pain and humiliation can be transcended and the victims can look forward to worthwhile futures with proper and quick intervention.  They must not accept the guilt and responsibility for the indiscretions of their inconsiderate partners. Disappointments are necessary parts life because they teach us humility, which enables us to become truly compassionate.

Nothing is the end of the world or truly beyond pardon; although it would appear so as a horrible experience unfolds and the pain mounts. Victims must make the conscious efforts to pick up the pieces.  This is only possible with forgiveness.  We must forgive because we are all infallible and cannot allow blind anger to mortgage our future with distrust and bitterness.  No matter what happened in the past, the future is always full of endless possibilities.

 

Healing is a realistic and possible expectation. It is not going to be easy because the mind is a tricky thing and will replay the event for a long time; especially every time your partner (new or old) leaves your sight. Time heals all wounds and eventually the experience will slip away into the abyss. Victims must not close their minds off to future wholesome love and happiness with worthy partners; whoever they decide to be with. Future happiness is entirely dependent on the victims’ personal choice.


Author’s Bio

Rehabilitation Consultant, Motivational Speaker, Talk Show Host, Trainer and Author of "A Slice of Africa", "Innocence Interrupted" and "Till Cheating Do Us Part".
www.loveandbalance.com

Perception is everything because as we perceive, so it becomes. Perception is the single most important factor in starting or resolving conflicts.  The devious axis of the world that have mastered the art of divisiveness, utilize this aspect of human nature to divide and conquer.  Although it is not wrong to quarrel with such evil agents; the real problem is figuring out why many are so willing to fall for such tactics regardless of who the messenger is.

 

It is clearly wrong for any role model to make off-color remarks that will inflame the masses; for their own selfish and political gain.  On the other hand, what if the inflammatory remark is true or in the mind of many who may not have the courage to openly articulate the same sentiment?  As controversial as it is to deviate from a perceived norm, is it really wrong to point out what many secretly think?  Denouncing such a person or statement, does not really address the issue nor does it necessarily fix the problem.

 

We live in a free society; therefore we each have a right to think and speak our own truths.  It is impossible for us to look the same or think the same; even when we are from the same family. The real issue is not making us all the same, because that will never happen.  Our multiculturalism is what makes us unique and wonderful; therefore we must strive to understand, respect and appreciate that rich diversity. 

 

Keeping any group quiet or ignoring what they have to say, does not help the nation or the world to move forward.  It is onerous on all who wish to lead and be agents of change, to examine why certain people believe what they believe, analyze the perception that led to the belief; is it true? If not, redirect the misperception that led to the misconception.  We must find ways to diffuse it with tested facts and the real truth.

 

Being magnanimous, kind and selfless are learned concepts. In our moment of haste and apprehension about getting our needs met; we sometimes loose sight of the fact that positive energy begets positivism. Consequently, negative outcomes are results of negative vibes attracting negativism.  It is ultimately essential that we all strive to be courteous and self controlled at all times; in spite of what the situation is but especially when things are not going our way.  Everyone can be nice when they are feeling good. 

 

The real test of your leadership quality is when you can be civilize and in controlled order when all hell breaks loose. How do you handle stress?  Do you rant and rave, cuss people out and blame everyone but yourself for your problems or do you comport yourself and calmly figure alternative ways to resolve whatever your issues may be at any given time. You cannot be an effective leader if you are easily swayed.  A leader must show character and backbone; yet must know limits and admit when he/she make an error. 

 

It is harder to think clearly enough to constructively resolve problems when we are all bent out of shape. A leader must always learn to choose one’s battles.  It is not necessary to respond to every snide remark one hears; especially when it is aimed to disparage and distract from one’s goals.  It takes a lot of fortitude, self direction and self reliance to overcome the temptation to stop and give in to every whimsical comment and occurrences. That only provides more ammunition and stuff to nit pick.  A leader does not follow and cannot allow others to put him or her on the defensive.

 

This is not to say that one must live in a bubble where one ignores the world around.  A leader must notice activities around; take what positive aspects one needs and keep moving on towards the goal. Instead of throwing mud at those who try in their own ways to make the world better; we should all bring our differing opinions and constructive criticisms to the table and work out useful ways to incorporate all ideas.

 

 It is okay to be vulnerable and sensitive when the need arises but we cannot let others set our own standards of ourselves for us.  One must define oneself to the world; not the other way around.  We must know and be who we are, always; to stay true to our original selves. Those who love us will do so and those who do not; will not, even when we flip flop to pander to them.  It is easy to see through a fake; so what are we really afraid of?  Why does everything matter so much? In the final analysis, we all end up in the same place – 6 feet under the ground.

 

Many people are disenfranchised and look outside themselves for some sense of hope and salvation. This is problematic because what many seek outside of them is already within us; however, they had suffered some loss and disconnect.  Each of our belief system is largely dependent on our varied individual experiences in life hence the difference in our world views. The real victory is in reconnecting souls back to their sources of existence and guiding each one to find their own truths.  An effective leader must be innovative enough to carve out his own route and cheerfully stick to it.

 

 

Author's Bio

Rehabilitation Consultant, Motivational Speaker, Trainer and Author of "A Slice of Africa", "Innocence Interrupted" and "Till Cheating Do Us Part".
www.loveandbalance.com