Excerpts from my book: INNOCENCE INTERRUPTED

 Presented in Kenya at the 1st International Conference in Africa on Child Sexual Abuse
 

The day has dawn when every country is waking up to recognize the world plague that is infecting our communities and threatening to destroy many of our innocent youth.  The major key to controlling and eventually eradicating any social anomaly is AWARENESS.  We must focus on educating the public about what are acceptable social behaviors. We have to institute and enforce laws to regulate deviants and protect the rights of innocent citizens.  We must invade the privacy of predators and set up stings and constant monitors.

 

Awareness is an acquired skill that does not happen overnight.  Many communities are employing all educational avenues to disseminate information to the public.  Some of the most effective mediums used are through the media, TV, Radio, Billboard Posters, Newspapers, Flyers, and Community Awareness Forums.  We must use consistent and persistent advertising to drive the message home. We can provide Media alerts or notices; and post pictures of predators to warn people.  We have to monitor predators and limit their access to public facilities, parks, schools, pools and everywhere kids play and live. There must be easily accessible crisis hotlines and community treatment centers.

 

By Awareness, we mean personal knowledge of personal space, legal rights and mental illness.  For social awareness about what is going on around our communities - unusual things, peculiar people, off the wall attention and comments, we pay attention to pictures of predators posted at schools, supermarkets, post offices etc;  we set up crisis hot lines, educate teachers and school systems on how to spot abuse victims and we empower them to take constructive action. We train law enforcement officers on the laws, the processes and empower them to do their jobs.  We must have a credible and dependable legal system that delivers JUSTICE for ALL.

 

Not all sex offenders are registered as such.  Most sex offenders look "normal."  They are people's children, spouses, siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles and friends.  It is because sex offenders bear no particular distinguishing mark, age, race, sex or culture, that those of us who are responsible for children and young adults (parents, teachers, pastors, etc), need to educate ourselves about sex abuse.

 

You cannot tell a sexual abuser simply by looking at his or her face and we cannot supervise children every minute of every day.  There are some warning signs to assist us in good parenting and to know when our children need our help.  “Research has shown conclusively that most sex offenders are known to their victims.”  In most cases, the predator has raped or molested a number of the females in the same family or town.  He would do the same to generations of girls.

 

These types of deviant behavior ring true across the continents and are not isolated cultural occurrences. Victims and Predators are neither gender specific, social strata inclined nor are they race superior.  Incidentally, it is worth noting that sexual offense of any kind; rape, child molestation etc, is very hard to prove; even when the families of the villain, know that their son is a predator.  Everyone covers up, at the expense of the victims.  Predators are not all mere degenerates, who are unsuccessful social misfits.

 

Many sex maniacs who continue to get away with their crimes are sometimes men of influence; such as Judges, Drs, Rabbis, Priests, Politicians, Teachers and other upstanding citizens. They may not be openly identified; therefore they can carry on these vile acts unchallenged because the victims seldom report them, for fear that they will be ridiculed, not believed, punished and/or become labeled. Abuse always occurs when there is no meeting of the mind in any act. It is common when there is a hierarchy of authority whereby one person or group of persons, are in a position to exert undue influence on another or others.  It is a typical example of influence peddling, misuse of power, misuse of privilege, misuse of opportunity or status.

 

Every society breeds some deviants, hence there are laws to keep them in check and keep the rest of the communities safe from their inflictions.  The deviant mind stays one step ahead of society and rationalizes his deviation as not necessarily criminal. Sexual deviants are generally clever people who like to circumvent established order for personal aggrandizement. They choose not to comply with simple rules of peaceful co-existence. They are usually (but not always) under the influence of drugs and alcohol. Not everyone has the constitution to tolerate these substances.

 

Predators are infinitely anti-social. Their sense of logic and frame of references are essentially off base.  For the rest of society, complacency is dangerous and counter productive. Deviants prey on unsuspecting victims.  They are artful manipulators who can charm their way into naïve and trusting minds.  They are mean unrelenting maniacs who lack a sense of fairness.  They cannot differentiate between strangers and their own family members.  All sexual deviants lack impulse control necessary for self-restraint and self discipline.

 

Sexual abuse can only thrive in specific environments.  Cultural system of belief and trends set the stage for such activities.  In the context where there are prescribed laws and the citizens are informed of their rights and boundaries, it is hard to get away with such crimes.  Law and order guarantees a reduction of criminal activities. If a society gives mixed messages about morality, sexual boundaries and consequences are lax at best; such crimes will be rampant.  Social structures invariably control family structure. 

 

When there is chaos in the society, family values tend to fall apart.  Every society must prescribe behavioral limits for its citizens and establish consequences and corrective measures for violators.  There must be well-organized and properly trained law enforcement officers who are committed to uphold the law.  There ought to be a swift and fair system of justice to maintain control and order.  The school system and all other community organizations need to play their roles in ensuring that everyone understand and comply with rules and regulations. 

 

People only get abused when they are not aware of their rights, are misinformed of their rights, are not in control of their faculties by reason of mental illness or physical mobility, are under the influence of drugs/alcohol or are in complete bondage and fear for their lives. All abuse cases are crimes of opportunity and convenience.  When people have the knowledge that the law will protect them and punish a predator, they will be more apt to report when such crimes occur. 

 

When the society is safe, families thrive because there will be a renewed sense of purpose and self confidence.  Strong family units and structures breed healthy citizens who take better care of themselves, their bodies, their minds, their appearances, their attitude and their behaviors.  People with high self esteem inspire the same in others and would only gravitate towards like minds.  Such individuals value themselves and conversely respect other people and their properties.  They consciously influence social changes and would have aversions to degenerative and none progressive deviant behaviors.

If we enable the Perpetrator, we become accomplices.  If we ignore, discredit or deny the cries of a child or any child in an abusive situation, we are equally guilty.  If we inflame or promote abusive situations, we are equally guilty.  Although predators are the criminals; we are all responsible for our communities and the world.  It is important to know the members of our families and friends.  You have to know yourselves well.  What kind of person are you and what kind of people do you surround yourselves with and why?   Predators show some other signs.  Talk to people and gauge their feelings about other people and situations.

 

 We need to take time to share in each others joy and sorrow.  We cannot get so caught up in life that, we forget to take note of what is happening around us.  It is rare to find a well grounded individual with a proper upbringing, from a sound family unit; committing violent crimes against another human being.  Predators always have deep seated issues stemming from childhood.  Lack of meaningful love and emotional support is a preface to future delinquent behaviors.

 

Lack of family love and emotional support is very devastating for all humans.  It can easily spiral from a vicious cycle of loss of self worth and low confidence, to drug or alcohol abuse, and eventually to loosing self control.  All sexual predators suffer from a sense of sexual inadequacy which manifests into sexual deviation and depravity at peak. Sexual abuse is not about pleasure but essentially about control, brute force, overpowering manipulation and destruction of trust. 

 

Sexual molestation is about perverse pleasure that has deep rooted secret onset and is easily disguised.  It is a long standing disorder that is not easily discovered and is also harder to get rid of. It works on manipulating the innocent; taking time to gain trust, set baits or traps and then striking when least expected.  It is usually continuous over time and generally on minors.  It destroys trust and controls the victims with fear and blackmail. It is not just a crime of opportunity because it sets the stage over time. 

 

It is a crime of convenience since it usually happens with family members and close friends, who find themselves to be at the right place, at the wrong time. The victim is invariably engineered into a trap.  The sexual predator in this case is also caught in a trap.  His life is a web of lies. He lives in fear of being found out; hence he can sometimes, snap with fear and murder the victim to maintain his secret. This type of predator lives a double life with dual personalities.  They lack control over their sickness and no one is safe around them.  We must seek help for our sick ones.

 

We must practice tough love on misbehaving people.  This is about a sickness that does not go away without intervention, if we each commit to make a difference, at which ever station we find ourselves, we will surely have a better world.  Change does start with only one person.  We must be aware of the sick or needy and be willing to offer helping hands before it is too late.  It is well established that prevention is better than curing the consequences of sexual molestation.

 

Such abrupt interruptions of innocence cause a lot of emotional and physiological catastrophes.  Some of these end problems are noted in frigidity, promiscuity, drug /alcohol abuse, revolving cycle of child abuse, split personality, depression, mania, anxiety disorder, hypertension, obsessive compulsive disorder, explosive personality, eating disorder, and the list goes on. Let us not wait to fix things after they have fallen apart.  If we all do the right things, at all times and create progressive opportunities for others, there will be no room for rape, murder, sexual molestation, robberies, lies, and wars.